Walking Across Fire

I think the hardest part of my job is when the crowd responds terrifically, but CD sales are low.  If the crowd doesn’t respond, I know it, so, it’s easy to be unattached to sales, I know they’re not going to be great.

 But, when the crowd is dancing in the isles, on their feet going nuts, it’s hard to stay centered enough to be unattached to the expectation of great sales.

 And, just as life would have it, that’s the job at hand.  Given I’ve set my mission to bring joy and celebration everywhere I go, giving of my joy freely and with no strings is really important to fulfilling my purpose.

 I wonder if that’s true for all of us; our expectations build when we know we’ve done a really good job at something we love to do and, sometimes get let down by the results, allowing those results to take away from the good work we’ve done.

 The lesson is always the same: give of what we love freely, let the joy of that giving be our reward, let the presence of spirit in what we do be it’s own healing nature and know that healing nature in our hearts.

 It’s what we all want, unconditional love, so, it’s what we must give, in every situation, no matter what.  Not easy, but, I’m gonna keep working on it.

Had my best month to date.  Made over $2300 playing music.  A new milestone.  I look at that and I am blown away at my progress.  A voice inside my head, a very rational voice says, “yeah, but it’s not enough.” 

On one hand, that voice is right.  I’m not meeting my house expenses.  I do need to make more money.  But, I know the best way to get there is to celebrate the small steps, especially if they’re milestones. 

I hit the 100 gigs I was going for this year.  In fact, I’ve booked 102.  I’ve never played that many gigs in one year.  I am very, very grateful for these successes and I look forward to many more in the future.

Celebration, man, celebrating the little things helps me get to the big ones.  YAY ME!!  I am on my way!!

Staying positive takes a lot of energy and work for me.  I meditate most mornings (not ALL mornings, I really don’t do anything ALL the time), journal three pages of stream of consciousness writing, write and say a bunch of affirmations about what I want to create and then get to work.

Yesterday it paid off.  I had 2 sales off my website and got a song forwarded to a TV company.  Some folks may say that might have happened with just the work I’ve been doing even if I had a bad attitude, but I don’t think I could do the work I’m doing with a bad attitude.  Especially since my message is about the good in life.

Some folks may say 2 CD’s and a forward ain’t so hot for one day.  Well, maybe not, but it’s the best I’ve done to date over the internet and milestones’ the thing.  Every time I break a milestone I’m that much closer to my goal and keeping my eye on the prize while staying joyous and up may not be easy, definitely the joyous part, but I’ve learned that celebrating the small steps is the best way to make big steps, so celebrating I am!!

I was talking with a friend this weekend, who was telling me how successful his company was after they redefined themselves.  My sister said she was in the process of redefining her company.  And I find myself doing the same thing.

The big question everyone asks me is, “What kind of music do you play?”.  I have struggled with this question and it has hurst my sales.  A close buddy says, “You’re the most defined person I know.”  He might be right, but that’s different from defining my music or my image for the stage, because as much as I want that image to be as close to the real me as possible, it must fit into something folks can relate to for them to want to buy my CD.

So, for all those interested, I am a storyteller whose music is a cross between Tom Petty and Crosby, Stills and Nash.  Give a listen.  You won’t be disappointed.

Got a new song with a nice twist in it.  That makes 7 towards my next CD.  3 more to go.  Sooner or later I’m gonna post these songs in rough draft mode for folks to get a peek listen to, but I don’t have that ready yet.  I am just so pleased I’m writing again.  It’s been a while.  Booking 95 gigs, yes I got 95 gigs booked this year with my goal being one hundred, takes time and energy, but I want to get these songs done, so that is now my focus.

The new song is called “Could be a Glimpse of Heaven”.

The closer I get to someone, the easier it is to get hurt feelings AND to give hurt feelings. So, here I am with the folks I love, the folks dearest to me in the world, my wife and kids, the folks I know best than anyone else, and we spend a good deal of our time with hurt feelings.

I keep thinking, at some point, we trust each other enough, where we don’t take, at least the unconscious statements or actions so personal; that we know we love each other, so it’s okay. And, I think some of that has happened. My wife and I certainly don’t yell at each other the way we used to, my daughter’s all grown up, moved away, so getting to see or speak to each other is special and my son’s a teenager, so that has it’s own thing happening.

Still, in the end, it feels like I’m the one who’s got to get better at being kinder and gentler to myself as well as others. But, I mean that in a different sense than not being mean. I’m talking about getting better at knowing that of course my family and friends love me, so, of course, they don’t mean to hurt my feelings and giving them the benefit of the doubt, rather than get hurt feelings, which brings out behaviors in me that hurt me and those I have hurt feelings.

A deeper sense of understanding, which intellectually is easy for me, but is taking longer than I like to be embodied by the rest of me. Still, in the face of practicing what I’m writing about, I do see my improvement and celebrate that, knowing that I am loved.

I write affirmations and put them to music, or speak about something that makes life worth living; that’s what I do.  My mission is to use my creativity to heal myself and others.

And yet, I cannot call myself healed.  Granted, I’m way more healed than when I was younger, and that’s a good thing.  But, it feels like I still have so far to go.  It’s not like others around me are doing so much better, it’s just that I have gotten enough glimpses of what life could be like, if I stayed centered and clear, so, I know what’s possible, whether others are achieving it or not.

There’s a saying, “ignorance is bliss.”  I don’t know if that’s true or not, I just know that my eyes are open and my heart yearns for what it, on occasion, gets to embrace.

So, I continue my mission, knowing there is no better work I could be doing and praying for more glimpses until that place becomes where I live, not where I visit.

My son told me he wanted to go to the boxing gym with me.  We had gone about 5 years ago, before either of us could get hurt; him because his opponents were as small as he was, me because I wasn’t gonna get in the ring.

I love the workout, even though my wife thinks I’m a little old to be doing this sort of thing, but, here’s the rub:

Now that he drives, our best quality time together, when I gave him rides, is gone.  When he comes up to the house (he mostly stays with his mom, because she lives in town where his friends are and I’m out in the boonies) he likes to veg in his room; not really interact, maybe a few minutes, but that’s it.

I miss him.  I miss all the time we used to spend together.  I know this is how it goes, I even wrote a song about it, Love Is Knowing You.  So, I’m letting go the best I can, AND I miss him.

So, I’m going boxing.  In fact, we went once already and I’m not hurting too bad today.  We go again tomorrow.  Besides taking the boxing class together, we get something to eat, he catches me up on his life AND I’m gonna be in great shape.  What could be bad about that.

So, money is very tight right now.  And, I’ve chosen to follow a path of believing I can create what I want, even when things aren’t looking good; like now.  Our debt is out the whazoo, we might even loose our home.

I’ve applied for lots of jobs that would allow me to work from the road as I travel (I’m a computer programmer), but, where in the past I had more work than I knew what to do with, it’s just dried up.

2 weeks ago I got the highest single payday I’ve ever had for playing music; almost $1,000.  Last week wasn’t bad.  I keep holding a vision of coming out of this on top, keeping the house, playing bigger and bigger gigs, selling lots of CD’s, doing computer work on the side to keep things going.

I believe, baby.  It’s not easy, but folks say follow your bliss and the universe supports you.  I got to believe that’s true.  You folks pray for me out there.

Ernest Holmes said, “To abandon the truth in our hour of need is to not understand the truth.”  I believe that.  Things are tough around here right now.  Short of money, bills closing in.  My wife and I have moments of panic, but nothing like we used to.  We’re pulling together, for the most part, really well; not blaming each other; instead being more cheerleaders for whichever one of us is down.  Repeating over and over, “it’s gonna be alright.”

Believing that, I think, had alot to do with my best gig ever.  Believing in the truth that all are lessons to be learned and, ultimately, works out for our good, I think, helps alot in moving things towards really turning out that way.  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

The knowledge that what we put our attention on persists, helps me focus on the good in the world and in my life, instead of all the bad stuff, which given the shape of the world, and my life at the moment, would be easy to do.  I’m choosing to stay in gratitude and positiveness.  I vote for love expanding in the world by focusing on love.  I believe it’s working.

I just played up at the Unity of Fairfax in Oakton, VA and made more money than I ever did at a gig in my life.  I sold out every CD I brought; close to $1,000!  Man, I am psyched.  A new high.  There ain’t nothing like reaching a new peak, no matter what area of your life it happens in as long as it matters to you, or, in this case, me.  Thank you GOD, thank you GOD, thank you GOD!!!

What’s true for me is that everything I do has to do with spiritual growth; all the other categories, but when talking about this stuff, it was easier to create it’s own category anyway.

Balance; balance of friends, family, work, health; that is my goal in life.  I know folks who are really good at one or two of these things, but I want to be great at all of them.  Asking too much?  Maybe, but it doesn’t change that’s what I want.  I’d be lying to myself to say otherwise.

How am I doing so far?  Well, my health is better, but not great; my music is very good, but not great; my family relationships are very good, almost great; my friend relationships are good, not great; I feel pretty good about myself a good part of the time; I’m relaxed over 50% of the time; I feel loving towards myself and others over 60% of the time; I’m bringing in a fair amount of money, almost good (playing music); I’m living my dream about 75% of the time.

I’ve clearly got a ways to go, which, again, is irreleveant to this is what I want.  I believe that being loving is the key.  The more loving I can be to myself and others, and keep practicing at those skills I want to be great at, which is part of being loving to myself, I can get there.

Anyone out there want to discuss how they’re doing?  What’s important to you and how’s your progress going.  Let’s support each other in having what we want.

My wife is gone for 2 weeks.  She’s up at her family house in Maine with friends and family.  I didn’t go, because, number one I got gigs to do and, number 2, the house has only one bathroom and I hate staying in places with one bathroom and more than 2 people; SO, I stayed home and have to fend for myself.

I’m not looking for sympathy mind you.  The truth of the matter is, I have not fended for myself all that often, and I’m sure I can use the practice.  Simple things like, since I live in a rather secluded, out of the way place, doing my shopping while I’m in town, BUT, that would take forethought and I haven’t met too many men good at that and I am certainly among that group.  SO, I got ginger ale, some left over Chinese and some crackers in the house at this time.

I’m a man who believes in practice makes better.  I did feed the dogs this morning, so they won’t die yet and neither will I.

I guess I’ve been pretty spoiled, though my siblings and mom will tell you my wife has trained me pretty well.  My mom says Kat (my wife) has whipped me into shape, making me particularly confident I will survive this 2 week adventure.

I know this is just silly stuff, but much of my life has been made up of silly stuff that I have given different levels of significance, much ado about nothing, and yet, that nothing makes up so much of the time of our lives.  Being silly, finding fun in the day to day stuff, I think that makes a life just as much if not more than the few big things that occur.