He beat me regularly when I was young.  Never in rage, always controlled, explaining my deserving of the beating as he did it.  I never struck him back.  At 16, as he struck me, I told him he was no better than the bullies in the school courtyard and he could beat me bloody, but I would listen to him no more.  He stopped and never hit me again.

My parents divorced when I was 10, so, for the first few years after that I only saw him on Sundays.  I was 12 the first time he hired me to work in his office for the summer.  I did that again at 14.  Moved in with him after his second divorce and worked for him at 18 for a year. 

Spent most of the next 6 years living in California, seeing him only for occassional visits.  When I moved back in my mid-20’s we began the ritual of playing tennis on Sundays, which we kept up semi-regularly for the next 20 years.  We both evolved alot during this time.  By the time grandchildren started showing up, he was not the same man I grew up with.  A kinder, gentler man had arrived.

After I moved to North Carolina, we spoke on the phone every Monday for 9 years.

When we knew he had about 6 months to live, I made trips up to visit every few weeks and stayed for a week at a time, giving space for my 5 siblings to do the same.  Only one other took advantage of this time.

I watched him die in the hospital bed.  I wrote Dad’s Song the next day and performed it at his funeral the day after that.

There are Mondays I still go for the phone.

So, I put it out there to anyone interested, add your dreams to my blog.  Share with me and the world your hearts desire, so anyone coming across these pages can feed a little energy into what you care about.

Speak to your own trials and tribulations in working towards your dreams, so we can lift up each other and behold our dreams come true.

There’s also, the fake it till you make it strategy, which sometimes really works for me.  I put on my game face, get into character and if I can keep it up long enough, sometimes I really do have fun in situations I didn’t think I would and things really do work out.

And that’s the thing: if things work out, I feel good about myself and when I feel good about myself more things work out.  Now there’s a spiral I can get into.

When Kat and I first got together, she didn’t like my game face, considering it fake.  As years passed, she began to realize that it was more than a face; that I really did shift, mostly.  Now, she wants me to put it on whenever I’m feeling down.

Part of me is resistant to that, but, it’s that part that sees it as fake.  Actually, I like myself better when I’ve got my game face on.  I’m so up, exuberant, fun to be around.  It feels good.  Of course Kat wants to be around that.  Me, too.

I don’t know what the answer is to this, I just like looking at it and asking the question.

If my writings inspire others that’s great, but, first and foremost I write to inspire me, because, by golly, I like being inspired.

I have sat around waiting for inspiration, walked around looking for inspiration, but it wasn’t till today, writing this, that I realized I can create inspiration.  I like that, I like that a lot.  I wouldn’t be surprised if along with this realization, my songwriting prolificness picked up.  I’ll keep you posted about that.

Maybe we’re here for more than one of those, but we are all here to do at least one.  I am here to teach, heal and feed.  I do this first, through how I live my day to day life, then through how I share it, either in song or journaling or talks or just one on one conversation.

I was taking a walk this morning in downtown Roanoke, VA and at some point needed to use a bathroom.  At that moment, I approached a Synagogue.  Having been born Jewish and Bar Mitzvahed, I had not been in a Synagogue for over 20 years, spending most of my worship time in churches or the Native American sweat lodge. But, I needed a bathroom, it was Saturday, they were open, I went in. 

After using the facilities, I went into the service.  I don’t know what drew mw to do so, but, I like following that inner voice, so, in I went.  It wasn’t very different from how I remembered it.  I could even sing along on a few of the songs.  Afterwards, a member asked me to stay for food, which I did. 

While sitting with this member, he shared with me some of his life.  He had discontent with his work.  I pointed out the question above, which, as he answered, he could see how his work was happening in his chosen profession.  I got to experience my work by sharing with him the question.

It’s becoming clearer and clearer to me that life is about the qualities we value and how we apply them in all situations we come in contact with, rather than what life looks like.  What it feels like is way more important.  I would have never thought I could have that kind of connection in a Synagogue, or that doing my work could occur there.  I’m very glad I didn’t get in my way of letting that happen.

This trend began after I stopped feeling sorry for myself and how poor I was doing and began, once again, the practice of affirming my abundance and reminding myself, regularly, throughout the day that I am a powerful, creative, spiritual being who can create anything I want this life. 

I have thoughts that say, “I’m just riding a wave at the moment and it will end.”  Maybe there’s some truth to that, but through my practice of saying, “No, I am not just riding a wave.  I am creating abundance, which, as a powerful, creative, spiritual being, is mine to do,” I know that I create far beyond any wave I might be currently riding.

I find that when things start going really well for me, I lax off on my practice.  After a while, my demonstrations fall off and, instead of picking my practice right back up, I go through a period of feeling sorry for myself.  Then, I finally remember that my spiritual practice is what got me the results in the first place.

I then struggle to not beat myself up for stopping, finally win that battle and life gets better, demonstrations begin again.

This particular cycle is one I definitely want to stop, so, I’ve added to my practice the affirmation that I am disciplined and continue my spiritual practice no matter what demonstrations I am having.

My son tells me the other day he has trouble sharing his feelings with his friends when he’s upset.  He withdraws; just like his old man.  I tell him that’s what I do, too and how it hasn’t helped my relationships at all.

We talk about the importance of telling folks when you’re upset and what you’re upset about, but doing it in a way that doesn’t blast anybody.  I mention how I’m working on doing that to improve my relationships.  He’s so good at taking in feedback, the next day he talks to friend he was upset at.  She says she was upset at him, because she could tell he was upset, but wouldn’t talk about it.  They make a pact to communicate better with each other.  I am so proud of him.

I stayed with my buddy and his wife in Florida for the weekend.  My gig down there Sunday was the second highest moneymaker I’ve had this year.  A fantastic reception.  Called for an encore.  This guy has been coming to my gigs since I was 18.  He said it was the best he’s ever seen me.  Said I just keep getting better and better.  Boy, I like hearing that.

He is just about the nicest person I’ve ever met, so, there is that, but, he’s also been very honest when he doesn’t like something I’m doing musically or otherwise.  He and his wife have given me the keys to their home, so, I can come and go as I need to whether they’re there or not.  They invite me to join in on what ever they’re doing when I’m passing through.  We have a flow and ease with each other that I just haven’t experienced with very many folks at all.  I love this guy! 

I don’t think you get to have a lot of relationships as deep and fulfilling with a friend as I have with my Florida buddy.  I feel very blessed to have him in my life.

I thought we had agreed to do a yoga class together.  I was very excited about sharing this twice a week experience with her.  Because of my excitement, either Kat wasn’t clear or I wasn’t listening, that she had some reservations around the class being too difficult.  She still wanted to try it, but didn’t share my enthusiasm.

Because of this miscommunication, when her friend said she needed to meet with Kat when our Yoga class was supposed to meet and Kat readily agreed, I was devastated, thinking she held our time together as unimportant.  My up-to-now way of dealing with devastation is to withdraw, which I did, at bedtime, and fell directly asleep.

Sometimes, I wake up having let go of the upset.  That was not the case this morning.  I let her know, angrily, how upset I was about her bailing on the class, when we’d been looking for something to share like that.  That’s when she shared, angrily, that she really wasn’t that excited about the class, but, that I was so pushy about her doing it, she didn’t know how to talk with me about it.

My first reaction was an even deeper upset, because I thought we found something we both liked and could do together right off the bat, rather than work at it.  My second reaction was to understand that her friend needing her gave her an out she thought she needed.  I settled down, realizing we both needed to relax. 

Kat was still pretty upset.  Somehow, I had shifted.  I really can’t tell you how I did it, except to say, I pray for that ability to shift like that almost every day.  One day, I’ll be able to do it even before I shut down.  I look forward to that.

Anyway, I asked her if she wanted to relax, she said yes, I asked her to lay down and close her eyes, which she did, and guided us both through a relaxation meditation.  We came out of it smiling at each other and in much better moods.  Now that’s the way to start a day!

We talked out our differences, kissed, made up and Kat left for work.  A very busy morning.  We clearly have our issues, but we love each other, want our relationship to work and keep developing more and more tools to help us grow deeper and deeper with each other.  I am grateful for that. 

I have facilitated men’s circles, but this time I just wanted to be a part of one.  In fact, any of the guys involved could facilitate this circle, so, sharing that responsibility will be wonderful.  We have our first meeting this Wednesday.  I’m actually very excited about it.  I love receiving and giving this kind of support.  What a gift that there are 5 others who want to do this as well.  I love the level of intimacy achieved in circles like this.

Also, about gifts, my wife said be more generous on my holiday pricing and I find it best to listen to her.  So, check out the NEW holiday pricing on CD’s here: http://cliffrubinmusic.com/specialgifts.  Besides filled with fantastic songs, these CD’s are a great way to support someone you care about in their spiritual growth.  What we feed ourselves and each other makes all the difference. 

I eat pretty well, sleep pretty well.  I thought my health was fine.  I guess this whole music career thing got to me more than I realized.  I mean, I knew I was uptight about it some, just didn’t realize enough to raise my blood pressure.  I need to relax, Man!

I’m shifting my focus for next year.  This year it was get 100 gigs, which I did.  I traveled to over 12 states and had a blast, but not always getting the sales I had hoped for.  As it was fun, it was also stressful.

This year I’m gonna go back to having a day job.  I can do computer programming from anywhere and it pays very well.  Probably shouldn’t have stopped, but, I so want to be a full time singer-songwriter, which, is still my goal.  It looks to me that approaching that goal a little slower might be healthier for me.  At least that’s the plan at this point.