Walking Across Fire

I want to share dreams with folks.  I share about my dreams in this blog, not just to share about me, but in the hopes of finding others who want to share about themselves.  I believe the more of us who share our dreams, the more of us will achieve our dreams, supporting each other, through mutual caring and encouragement.

So, I put it out there to anyone interested, add your dreams to my blog.  Share with me and the world your hearts desire, so anyone coming across these pages can feed a little energy into what you care about.

Speak to your own trials and tribulations in working towards your dreams, so we can lift up each other and behold our dreams come true.

Some folks say inspiration is what’s needed to create, but, I say we can create inspiration as well.  Take journaling, which is basically what I do when I’m blogging.  By using a stream of consciousness approach, ie., just write whatever pops into my head, and keeping at it, not stopping or allowing myself to be interrupted, I notice that sooner or later I write something that inspires me, which is what I’m after.

If my writings inspire others that’s great, but, first and foremost I write to inspire me, because, by golly, I like being inspired.

I have sat around waiting for inspiration, walked around looking for inspiration, but it wasn’t till today, writing this, that I realized I can create inspiration.  I like that, I like that a lot.  I wouldn’t be surprised if along with this realization, my songwriting prolificness picked up.  I’ll keep you posted about that.

In the shamanic tradition, you are asked a question, “Are you here to feed the people, heal the people, teach or protect the people?”  I think this is a great question.  It reminds us we are not here for ourselves, but to serve others.  That our work is, first, to discover in what capacity we are here to serve and then to do it.

Maybe we’re here for more than one of those, but we are all here to do at least one.  I am here to teach, heal and feed.  I do this first, through how I live my day to day life, then through how I share it, either in song or journaling or talks or just one on one conversation.

I was taking a walk this morning in downtown Roanoke, VA and at some point needed to use a bathroom.  At that moment, I approached a Synagogue.  Having been born Jewish and Bar Mitzvahed, I had not been in a Synagogue for over 20 years, spending most of my worship time in churches or the Native American sweat lodge. But, I needed a bathroom, it was Saturday, they were open, I went in. 

After using the facilities, I went into the service.  I don’t know what drew mw to do so, but, I like following that inner voice, so, in I went.  It wasn’t very different from how I remembered it.  I could even sing along on a few of the songs.  Afterwards, a member asked me to stay for food, which I did. 

While sitting with this member, he shared with me some of his life.  He had discontent with his work.  I pointed out the question above, which, as he answered, he could see how his work was happening in his chosen profession.  I got to experience my work by sharing with him the question.

It’s becoming clearer and clearer to me that life is about the qualities we value and how we apply them in all situations we come in contact with, rather than what life looks like.  What it feels like is way more important.  I would have never thought I could have that kind of connection in a Synagogue, or that doing my work could occur there.  I’m very glad I didn’t get in my way of letting that happen.

Of the last 5 gigs I’ve played, all have done better, financially and otherwise, than I expected.  That’s a good thing.  It demonstrates that my abundance consciousness is moving in the right direction.

This trend began after I stopped feeling sorry for myself and how poor I was doing and began, once again, the practice of affirming my abundance and reminding myself, regularly, throughout the day that I am a powerful, creative, spiritual being who can create anything I want this life. 

I have thoughts that say, “I’m just riding a wave at the moment and it will end.”  Maybe there’s some truth to that, but through my practice of saying, “No, I am not just riding a wave.  I am creating abundance, which, as a powerful, creative, spiritual being, is mine to do,” I know that I create far beyond any wave I might be currently riding.

I find that when things start going really well for me, I lax off on my practice.  After a while, my demonstrations fall off and, instead of picking my practice right back up, I go through a period of feeling sorry for myself.  Then, I finally remember that my spiritual practice is what got me the results in the first place.

I then struggle to not beat myself up for stopping, finally win that battle and life gets better, demonstrations begin again.

This particular cycle is one I definitely want to stop, so, I’ve added to my practice the affirmation that I am disciplined and continue my spiritual practice no matter what demonstrations I am having.

Kat (my wife) and I fought this morning.  A terrible way to start the day.  The fight really began last night, but Kat didn’t know it.

I thought we had agreed to do a yoga class together.  I was very excited about sharing this twice a week experience with her.  Because of my excitement, either Kat wasn’t clear or I wasn’t listening, that she had some reservations around the class being too difficult.  She still wanted to try it, but didn’t share my enthusiasm.

Because of this miscommunication, when her friend said she needed to meet with Kat when our Yoga class was supposed to meet and Kat readily agreed, I was devastated, thinking she held our time together as unimportant.  My up-to-now way of dealing with devastation is to withdraw, which I did, at bedtime, and fell directly asleep.

Sometimes, I wake up having let go of the upset.  That was not the case this morning.  I let her know, angrily, how upset I was about her bailing on the class, when we’d been looking for something to share like that.  That’s when she shared, angrily, that she really wasn’t that excited about the class, but, that I was so pushy about her doing it, she didn’t know how to talk with me about it.

My first reaction was an even deeper upset, because I thought we found something we both liked and could do together right off the bat, rather than work at it.  My second reaction was to understand that her friend needing her gave her an out she thought she needed.  I settled down, realizing we both needed to relax. 

Kat was still pretty upset.  Somehow, I had shifted.  I really can’t tell you how I did it, except to say, I pray for that ability to shift like that almost every day.  One day, I’ll be able to do it even before I shut down.  I look forward to that.

Anyway, I asked her if she wanted to relax, she said yes, I asked her to lay down and close her eyes, which she did, and guided us both through a relaxation meditation.  We came out of it smiling at each other and in much better moods.  Now that’s the way to start a day!

We talked out our differences, kissed, made up and Kat left for work.  A very busy morning.  We clearly have our issues, but we love each other, want our relationship to work and keep developing more and more tools to help us grow deeper and deeper with each other.  I am grateful for that. 

I am joining a men’s circle.  There’s 6 of us.  We’re keeping it small, so each man can have 20 minutes to focus the attention on what’s important to him and we’re not meeting all day.

I have facilitated men’s circles, but this time I just wanted to be a part of one.  In fact, any of the guys involved could facilitate this circle, so, sharing that responsibility will be wonderful.  We have our first meeting this Wednesday.  I’m actually very excited about it.  I love receiving and giving this kind of support.  What a gift that there are 5 others who want to do this as well.  I love the level of intimacy achieved in circles like this.

Also, about gifts, my wife said be more generous on my holiday pricing and I find it best to listen to her.  So, check out the NEW holiday pricing on CD’s here: http://cliffrubinmusic.com/specialgifts.  Besides filled with fantastic songs, these CD’s are a great way to support someone you care about in their spiritual growth.  What we feed ourselves and each other makes all the difference. 

Here’s what I learned about myself at this years’ family Thanksgiving gathering.  I still have work to do with jealousy and envy.  On leaving our annual Thanksgiving event, my wife said to me, “We’re the poorest ones here.”

Obviously, besides monetarily, that’s not true.  Kat and I live very rich lives.  But, I noticed the times folks talked about their good fortune and I felt bummed about my own situation instead of happy for them.  Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy my family sibs and cus’s are doing well.  I just also feel the place where my wife and I are “working with opportunities” at the present time.

Here’s what came to me about it, when I’m jealous or envious I am forgetting their good fortune is spiritual food to nourish me towards my success.  My jealousy and envy poisons the very food I could be feeding myself with.  So, I stopped, drank in their success and am presently allowing it to build strong dreams 12 ways (a take off on a very old “Wonder Bread” TV commercial).  I am much healthier for it.

I know I’ve heard that before, it was nice to recognize it for myself and remember that joy feeds joy and joy is a huge component of success.  And, I like being joyous; it’s more fun.

I have basically 2 mantras that drive my day-to-day, moment-to-moment experience.  They are: “What I Embody Manifests” and “Live a Life Worth Living”.  So, whenever I reflect on how I’m doing, which is almost once a day, I put it up against these 2 mantras.

The first, “What I Embody Manifests”, I believe to be the core of Christ’s teaching.  Embody love, I will manifest love in my life, embody peace, my life will be peaceful, embody joy, my life will be joyous.  He embodied all these principles and more, including kindness, connectedness and healing.

For myself, I have a lot of love in my life, quite a bit of joy, a good bit of kindness, connectedness and I’m most proud of my healing; that which I offer to others as well as myself.  I am the healthiest I have ever been in my life.  I could work on peace.  I want to be kinder.  I still deal with depression on occasion; way less than I ever have.  I want to develop my sense of abundance and freedom.  I still beat myself up on occasion; though, once again, less than ever.

By standing up and taking action in what I believe in, specifically the music I’ve created, I lead a life worth living.  More than that, I have remembered my key priority of loving my wife and kids, instead of being right, when it’s mattered most.  Not always immediately, but I come around way quicker than I used to. I am very grateful for that.  I am very proud for how I stand, in this moment, at the fire, taking the heat and moving forward.

To be honest, it’s been stressful at our house.  Embarking on a new career with so many unknowns has put pressure on my family and myself, some expected, some unexpected.  My learning curve has been steep.  But, I know the work I’m doing is important and given how my life has flourished since taking on the teachings of a God within and having that power to affect change in my life, I know that all I’m going through now is just my way of continuing my healing, my learning and growing and my life will continue to flourish.

What I hold for each and every one of you is that, you, too, Live A Life Worth Living.

I’m writing today to cheer myself up.  I’ve had a hard couple of days.  Been on the phone a lot working on booking for next year.  Going slowly.  Working on a couple of new songs.  Going slowly.  Had a bunch of rejections.  Comes with the territory. 

Okay this isn’t the part where I cheer myself up. It’s the part where I state why I need cheering.  My wife’s been sick for over a month.  Our finances are extremely tight and we may have to sell our house.  My wife’s business is having some difficulties as well.

Okay, here comes the cheering up part.  It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood.  Besides the usual assortment of birds, we’ve got blue jays.  The cardinals are back.  There were at least 6 different species of birds at the feeder right outside our bedroom window this morning.

My son got a flat tire yesterday.  The same tire that went flat the day before, when he took it to a local place that charged him $15 to fix it.  He used the compressor in his car to fill it enough to take it to a different place, they fixed it, said the plug was leaking, wrote that on the receipt, he took the receipt to the first place and they gave him a full refund.  He was very proud of himself.  I am proud of him, too.  16 and learning his way in the world.

Got a call from a friend I hadn’t heard from in a while.  Just called to say hey and we set up a dinner date with him and his wife.  Kat and I like those guys and look forward to seeing them.

Getting better and better at relaxing myself to fall back to sleep when I wake up at night.  Twice last night I awoke and both times the technique I used put me right back to sleep.

My email program is finally sending an important email I’ve been trying to send for the past hour.  YAY!

I’m getting along with the folks I love and I have some exciting gigs coming up.  Life is good.  Man, stating gratitudes really does help.

Whether folks buy or not, I could not imagine a life where I didn’t do what meant most to me.  We’re here for such a short time and I want to be the type of person who lived life to his fullest.  Became the person I dream to be.  Filled each day with those things I value most: love, mastery, art, beauty, health, relaxation.

It’s amazing how many opportunities there are during the day to love myself.  Almost moment to moment I am voting on loving myself or not, then loving myself or judging myself for the previous moment.

I did the lesson Sunday at Unity of Indy.  I basically tell the story of my life as it relates to different skills I have practiced along the way.  Skills like my guitar playing, my singing, writing, relationship skills, accepting and giving criticism skills and on and on.  Afterwards, because I have delved into my past on stage, I tend to dwell and not always on the good stuff.

My tendency is to dwell on those things I did that I consider wrong; where I have transgressed or wronged another- a great opportunity to love myself.  So, I remind myself I did the best I could, it’s okay the past is gone and what’s important is how I behave and feel in this moment.  And I do this over and over and over.  I usually have quite a bit of time as I’m usually driving home from wherever I have just played, spoke or both, as in this Sunday.

We stopped for something to eat on the way home (my son drove me to and from the gig).  I got barbeque, which could be construed as loving myself because I love the taste, or could be construed as not loving myself because my blood pressure is a little high and that stuff is not good for my health.  I was hungry, scarfed it down and then felt guilty for doing so, which is definitely not loving myself.

The clarity of the guilt was easier to see and deal with, so, with each moment I felt and heard myself express guilt, I released it and reminded myself what a mindful healthy guy I was and that I was treating myself healthier all the time, while still allowing for treats once in a while.  It took almost an hour of this exercise for the guilt to subside and my loving myself to win out.  Practice, practice.

A few years ago I started the practice of telling myself in the mirror each morning “I love you.”  I think it’s made quite a difference, in not only how I treat myself, but others.  There was a time I really hated myself, and everyone else.  An hour of guilt feels like quite the improvement to me.  Practice, practice.

I was asked what I meant by us not being in charge.

I’m saying our ego self thinks it’s in charge, but that we have a higher self that holds us to a bigger picture that sometimes our ego self doesn’t understand.

I am so grateful for all the responses I have gotten!  We are quite a community of powerful, spiritual beings, with powerful, creative insights.

One person reminded me that disappointment comes from thinking we’re in charge rather than God, spirit, our higher selves, or whatever we call it.  Something larger than ourselves and yet is also us, working for our good and the good of all others has the reins.

Rev. Ken Williamson of Unity of the Palm Beaches said (I’m paraphrasing) that part of our spiritual work is to KNOW that everything in our lives is perfect even when we don’t understand it.  I believe the better we get at this skill, the better we get at service, the better we get at relaxing and enjoying our day no matter what it looks like.

I appreciate you all taking the time to write to me.  We walk this path together.  Together- makes it a much nicer journey.

Blessings to you all!

I think the hardest part of my job is when the crowd responds terrifically, but CD sales are low.  If the crowd doesn’t respond, I know it, so, it’s easy to be unattached to sales, I know they’re not going to be great.

 But, when the crowd is dancing in the isles, on their feet going nuts, it’s hard to stay centered enough to be unattached to the expectation of great sales.

 And, just as life would have it, that’s the job at hand.  Given I’ve set my mission to bring joy and celebration everywhere I go, giving of my joy freely and with no strings is really important to fulfilling my purpose.

 I wonder if that’s true for all of us; our expectations build when we know we’ve done a really good job at something we love to do and, sometimes get let down by the results, allowing those results to take away from the good work we’ve done.

 The lesson is always the same: give of what we love freely, let the joy of that giving be our reward, let the presence of spirit in what we do be it’s own healing nature and know that healing nature in our hearts.

 It’s what we all want, unconditional love, so, it’s what we must give, in every situation, no matter what.  Not easy, but, I’m gonna keep working on it.

Had my best month to date.  Made over $2300 playing music.  A new milestone.  I look at that and I am blown away at my progress.  A voice inside my head, a very rational voice says, “yeah, but it’s not enough.” 

On one hand, that voice is right.  I’m not meeting my house expenses.  I do need to make more money.  But, I know the best way to get there is to celebrate the small steps, especially if they’re milestones. 

I hit the 100 gigs I was going for this year.  In fact, I’ve booked 102.  I’ve never played that many gigs in one year.  I am very, very grateful for these successes and I look forward to many more in the future.

Celebration, man, celebrating the little things helps me get to the big ones.  YAY ME!!  I am on my way!!

Staying positive takes a lot of energy and work for me.  I meditate most mornings (not ALL mornings, I really don’t do anything ALL the time), journal three pages of stream of consciousness writing, write and say a bunch of affirmations about what I want to create and then get to work.

Yesterday it paid off.  I had 2 sales off my website and got a song forwarded to a TV company.  Some folks may say that might have happened with just the work I’ve been doing even if I had a bad attitude, but I don’t think I could do the work I’m doing with a bad attitude.  Especially since my message is about the good in life.

Some folks may say 2 CD’s and a forward ain’t so hot for one day.  Well, maybe not, but it’s the best I’ve done to date over the internet and milestones’ the thing.  Every time I break a milestone I’m that much closer to my goal and keeping my eye on the prize while staying joyous and up may not be easy, definitely the joyous part, but I’ve learned that celebrating the small steps is the best way to make big steps, so celebrating I am!!

The closer I get to someone, the easier it is to get hurt feelings AND to give hurt feelings. So, here I am with the folks I love, the folks dearest to me in the world, my wife and kids, the folks I know best than anyone else, and we spend a good deal of our time with hurt feelings.

I keep thinking, at some point, we trust each other enough, where we don’t take, at least the unconscious statements or actions so personal; that we know we love each other, so it’s okay. And, I think some of that has happened. My wife and I certainly don’t yell at each other the way we used to, my daughter’s all grown up, moved away, so getting to see or speak to each other is special and my son’s a teenager, so that has it’s own thing happening.

Still, in the end, it feels like I’m the one who’s got to get better at being kinder and gentler to myself as well as others. But, I mean that in a different sense than not being mean. I’m talking about getting better at knowing that of course my family and friends love me, so, of course, they don’t mean to hurt my feelings and giving them the benefit of the doubt, rather than get hurt feelings, which brings out behaviors in me that hurt me and those I have hurt feelings.

A deeper sense of understanding, which intellectually is easy for me, but is taking longer than I like to be embodied by the rest of me. Still, in the face of practicing what I’m writing about, I do see my improvement and celebrate that, knowing that I am loved.

I write affirmations and put them to music, or speak about something that makes life worth living; that’s what I do.  My mission is to use my creativity to heal myself and others.

And yet, I cannot call myself healed.  Granted, I’m way more healed than when I was younger, and that’s a good thing.  But, it feels like I still have so far to go.  It’s not like others around me are doing so much better, it’s just that I have gotten enough glimpses of what life could be like, if I stayed centered and clear, so, I know what’s possible, whether others are achieving it or not.

There’s a saying, “ignorance is bliss.”  I don’t know if that’s true or not, I just know that my eyes are open and my heart yearns for what it, on occasion, gets to embrace.

So, I continue my mission, knowing there is no better work I could be doing and praying for more glimpses until that place becomes where I live, not where I visit.

So, money is very tight right now.  And, I’ve chosen to follow a path of believing I can create what I want, even when things aren’t looking good; like now.  Our debt is out the whazoo, we might even loose our home.

I’ve applied for lots of jobs that would allow me to work from the road as I travel (I’m a computer programmer), but, where in the past I had more work than I knew what to do with, it’s just dried up.

2 weeks ago I got the highest single payday I’ve ever had for playing music; almost $1,000.  Last week wasn’t bad.  I keep holding a vision of coming out of this on top, keeping the house, playing bigger and bigger gigs, selling lots of CD’s, doing computer work on the side to keep things going.

I believe, baby.  It’s not easy, but folks say follow your bliss and the universe supports you.  I got to believe that’s true.  You folks pray for me out there.

Ernest Holmes said, “To abandon the truth in our hour of need is to not understand the truth.”  I believe that.  Things are tough around here right now.  Short of money, bills closing in.  My wife and I have moments of panic, but nothing like we used to.  We’re pulling together, for the most part, really well; not blaming each other; instead being more cheerleaders for whichever one of us is down.  Repeating over and over, “it’s gonna be alright.”

Believing that, I think, had alot to do with my best gig ever.  Believing in the truth that all are lessons to be learned and, ultimately, works out for our good, I think, helps alot in moving things towards really turning out that way.  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

The knowledge that what we put our attention on persists, helps me focus on the good in the world and in my life, instead of all the bad stuff, which given the shape of the world, and my life at the moment, would be easy to do.  I’m choosing to stay in gratitude and positiveness.  I vote for love expanding in the world by focusing on love.  I believe it’s working.