Walking Across Fire

So, what’s up with putting on a game face.  It’s still being me as that game face is mine.  Is it a façade?  It probably can be, having to do with what’s going on internally at the time.  I always put on my game face when I’m playing a gig and it’s real for me, even on a bad day, because I get so deep into the character of who I am as a musician, that everyone feels it, including me. 

There’s also, the fake it till you make it strategy, which sometimes really works for me.  I put on my game face, get into character and if I can keep it up long enough, sometimes I really do have fun in situations I didn’t think I would and things really do work out.

And that’s the thing: if things work out, I feel good about myself and when I feel good about myself more things work out.  Now there’s a spiral I can get into.

When Kat and I first got together, she didn’t like my game face, considering it fake.  As years passed, she began to realize that it was more than a face; that I really did shift, mostly.  Now, she wants me to put it on whenever I’m feeling down.

Part of me is resistant to that, but, it’s that part that sees it as fake.  Actually, I like myself better when I’ve got my game face on.  I’m so up, exuberant, fun to be around.  It feels good.  Of course Kat wants to be around that.  Me, too.

I don’t know what the answer is to this, I just like looking at it and asking the question.

It’s amazing what a little shift will do.  Since the last fight I wrote about, Kat and I have been getting along wonderfully; out of and under the covers.  We did yoga together this morning.  That felt great, too.

My son tells me the other day he has trouble sharing his feelings with his friends when he’s upset.  He withdraws; just like his old man.  I tell him that’s what I do, too and how it hasn’t helped my relationships at all.

We talk about the importance of telling folks when you’re upset and what you’re upset about, but doing it in a way that doesn’t blast anybody.  I mention how I’m working on doing that to improve my relationships.  He’s so good at taking in feedback, the next day he talks to friend he was upset at.  She says she was upset at him, because she could tell he was upset, but wouldn’t talk about it.  They make a pact to communicate better with each other.  I am so proud of him.

I stayed with my buddy and his wife in Florida for the weekend.  My gig down there Sunday was the second highest moneymaker I’ve had this year.  A fantastic reception.  Called for an encore.  This guy has been coming to my gigs since I was 18.  He said it was the best he’s ever seen me.  Said I just keep getting better and better.  Boy, I like hearing that.

He is just about the nicest person I’ve ever met, so, there is that, but, he’s also been very honest when he doesn’t like something I’m doing musically or otherwise.  He and his wife have given me the keys to their home, so, I can come and go as I need to whether they’re there or not.  They invite me to join in on what ever they’re doing when I’m passing through.  We have a flow and ease with each other that I just haven’t experienced with very many folks at all.  I love this guy! 

I don’t think you get to have a lot of relationships as deep and fulfilling with a friend as I have with my Florida buddy.  I feel very blessed to have him in my life.

My wife and I had dinner at a friend’s house Halloween.  Another couple we like to hang out with was there as well.  We’ve gotten together, the 6 of us, every few months for a couple of years now and we’re getting very comfortable with each other, which makes for deep and interesting conversation.

We spoke in depth about the differences between Eastern and Western Philosophy and disagreed a lot; also, agreed a lot, never heated, always fun.  We ate soy cheese pizza and an organic chocolate cake to die for.  The folks who hosted this gathering had turned their wood fireplace into a gas one and with a remote heated up the room wonderfully.  Very cool.  I’m sticking with wood, but, I still thought it was very cool.

I’ve never been a very social animal.  Mostly, I like to hermit.  I travel so much, interact with folks regularly, I like my down time.  I’m also very grateful to have these friends and look forward to our time together.

Kat and I host the next get together.  I’m cooking salmon, one of the few things I cook well.  They laugh at me about that, but I don’t care.  I really like salmon, and so do they.