Walking Across Fire

So, what’s up with putting on a game face.  It’s still being me as that game face is mine.  Is it a façade?  It probably can be, having to do with what’s going on internally at the time.  I always put on my game face when I’m playing a gig and it’s real for me, even on a bad day, because I get so deep into the character of who I am as a musician, that everyone feels it, including me. 

There’s also, the fake it till you make it strategy, which sometimes really works for me.  I put on my game face, get into character and if I can keep it up long enough, sometimes I really do have fun in situations I didn’t think I would and things really do work out.

And that’s the thing: if things work out, I feel good about myself and when I feel good about myself more things work out.  Now there’s a spiral I can get into.

When Kat and I first got together, she didn’t like my game face, considering it fake.  As years passed, she began to realize that it was more than a face; that I really did shift, mostly.  Now, she wants me to put it on whenever I’m feeling down.

Part of me is resistant to that, but, it’s that part that sees it as fake.  Actually, I like myself better when I’ve got my game face on.  I’m so up, exuberant, fun to be around.  It feels good.  Of course Kat wants to be around that.  Me, too.

I don’t know what the answer is to this, I just like looking at it and asking the question.

It’s amazing what a little shift will do.  Since the last fight I wrote about, Kat and I have been getting along wonderfully; out of and under the covers.  We did yoga together this morning.  That felt great, too.

My son tells me the other day he has trouble sharing his feelings with his friends when he’s upset.  He withdraws; just like his old man.  I tell him that’s what I do, too and how it hasn’t helped my relationships at all.

We talk about the importance of telling folks when you’re upset and what you’re upset about, but doing it in a way that doesn’t blast anybody.  I mention how I’m working on doing that to improve my relationships.  He’s so good at taking in feedback, the next day he talks to friend he was upset at.  She says she was upset at him, because she could tell he was upset, but wouldn’t talk about it.  They make a pact to communicate better with each other.  I am so proud of him.

I stayed with my buddy and his wife in Florida for the weekend.  My gig down there Sunday was the second highest moneymaker I’ve had this year.  A fantastic reception.  Called for an encore.  This guy has been coming to my gigs since I was 18.  He said it was the best he’s ever seen me.  Said I just keep getting better and better.  Boy, I like hearing that.

He is just about the nicest person I’ve ever met, so, there is that, but, he’s also been very honest when he doesn’t like something I’m doing musically or otherwise.  He and his wife have given me the keys to their home, so, I can come and go as I need to whether they’re there or not.  They invite me to join in on what ever they’re doing when I’m passing through.  We have a flow and ease with each other that I just haven’t experienced with very many folks at all.  I love this guy! 

I don’t think you get to have a lot of relationships as deep and fulfilling with a friend as I have with my Florida buddy.  I feel very blessed to have him in my life.

Kat (my wife) and I fought this morning.  A terrible way to start the day.  The fight really began last night, but Kat didn’t know it.

I thought we had agreed to do a yoga class together.  I was very excited about sharing this twice a week experience with her.  Because of my excitement, either Kat wasn’t clear or I wasn’t listening, that she had some reservations around the class being too difficult.  She still wanted to try it, but didn’t share my enthusiasm.

Because of this miscommunication, when her friend said she needed to meet with Kat when our Yoga class was supposed to meet and Kat readily agreed, I was devastated, thinking she held our time together as unimportant.  My up-to-now way of dealing with devastation is to withdraw, which I did, at bedtime, and fell directly asleep.

Sometimes, I wake up having let go of the upset.  That was not the case this morning.  I let her know, angrily, how upset I was about her bailing on the class, when we’d been looking for something to share like that.  That’s when she shared, angrily, that she really wasn’t that excited about the class, but, that I was so pushy about her doing it, she didn’t know how to talk with me about it.

My first reaction was an even deeper upset, because I thought we found something we both liked and could do together right off the bat, rather than work at it.  My second reaction was to understand that her friend needing her gave her an out she thought she needed.  I settled down, realizing we both needed to relax. 

Kat was still pretty upset.  Somehow, I had shifted.  I really can’t tell you how I did it, except to say, I pray for that ability to shift like that almost every day.  One day, I’ll be able to do it even before I shut down.  I look forward to that.

Anyway, I asked her if she wanted to relax, she said yes, I asked her to lay down and close her eyes, which she did, and guided us both through a relaxation meditation.  We came out of it smiling at each other and in much better moods.  Now that’s the way to start a day!

We talked out our differences, kissed, made up and Kat left for work.  A very busy morning.  We clearly have our issues, but we love each other, want our relationship to work and keep developing more and more tools to help us grow deeper and deeper with each other.  I am grateful for that. 

My cousin called me to ask for help.  She’s moving into a new apartment, wasn’t going to be in town when her furniture arrived and asked me to meet the movers.  She said they’ll be there by 10AM tomorrow and it’ll only take a few hours.

I had a lot of work to get done, but, I wanted to help her, so I said yes.  The following morning, as I’m getting ready to leave, I get a call from the movers saying they’ll be ½ hour late.  As I’m running a few errands, I get another call from the movers saying they’re a little lost, so it’s now going to be an hour.  An hour later I get another call saying they’re lost.  I give them directions as I discover they are actually an hour and a half away.  By this time at the apartment.  I also discover that the battery on my cell phone is running low and I don’t have my charger with me.

I live a little over ½ hour from the apartment, so, running home and back seems silly.  I have no more errands to run, so I take a walk around the neighborhood.  I return about an hour later, get another call from the movers saying they got lost again, I once again, give them directions and learn they are still an hour away.  I sit down and meditate.  They finally arrive at 12:30PM.

The driver states it will take a little over an hour to unload and set up everything in the house.  We finished at 6:30PM.  The driver was right, it took a little over an hour, in the scope of a week, month, year or millennium.

Now, here’s the thing.  I am very well aware these type of favors can go this way and yet did not prepare properly.  If I had brought my charger, my guitar, my lyric book and a few other choice items, I could have been a happy camper, so, I really have no one else but me to blame for any misery I experienced.  I was a boy scout (yes, truly, I was), I know how to be prepared and yet I didn’t.  Another learning opportunity.   I’ll bet dimes to donuts I’m better prepared the next time I’m asked for one of these types of favors.

In case you’re wondering, these type of favors is anytime someone asks to use your time for something that must get done in a single day where how long it takes is not in the hands of the person asking the favor, so, when they tell you how long it will take, they really don’t know.  I don’t mind helping, I just like being clear with myself what’s really going on and being prepared for that.

My son told me he wanted to go to the boxing gym with me.  We had gone about 5 years ago, before either of us could get hurt; him because his opponents were as small as he was, me because I wasn’t gonna get in the ring.

I love the workout, even though my wife thinks I’m a little old to be doing this sort of thing, but, here’s the rub:

Now that he drives, our best quality time together, when I gave him rides, is gone.  When he comes up to the house (he mostly stays with his mom, because she lives in town where his friends are and I’m out in the boonies) he likes to veg in his room; not really interact, maybe a few minutes, but that’s it.

I miss him.  I miss all the time we used to spend together.  I know this is how it goes, I even wrote a song about it, Love Is Knowing You.  So, I’m letting go the best I can, AND I miss him.

So, I’m going boxing.  In fact, we went once already and I’m not hurting too bad today.  We go again tomorrow.  Besides taking the boxing class together, we get something to eat, he catches me up on his life AND I’m gonna be in great shape.  What could be bad about that.

My wife is gone for 2 weeks.  She’s up at her family house in Maine with friends and family.  I didn’t go, because, number one I got gigs to do and, number 2, the house has only one bathroom and I hate staying in places with one bathroom and more than 2 people; SO, I stayed home and have to fend for myself.

I’m not looking for sympathy mind you.  The truth of the matter is, I have not fended for myself all that often, and I’m sure I can use the practice.  Simple things like, since I live in a rather secluded, out of the way place, doing my shopping while I’m in town, BUT, that would take forethought and I haven’t met too many men good at that and I am certainly among that group.  SO, I got ginger ale, some left over Chinese and some crackers in the house at this time.

I’m a man who believes in practice makes better.  I did feed the dogs this morning, so they won’t die yet and neither will I.

I guess I’ve been pretty spoiled, though my siblings and mom will tell you my wife has trained me pretty well.  My mom says Kat (my wife) has whipped me into shape, making me particularly confident I will survive this 2 week adventure.

I know this is just silly stuff, but much of my life has been made up of silly stuff that I have given different levels of significance, much ado about nothing, and yet, that nothing makes up so much of the time of our lives.  Being silly, finding fun in the day to day stuff, I think that makes a life just as much if not more than the few big things that occur.