Walking Across Fire

The closer I get to someone, the easier it is to get hurt feelings AND to give hurt feelings. So, here I am with the folks I love, the folks dearest to me in the world, my wife and kids, the folks I know best than anyone else, and we spend a good deal of our time with hurt feelings.

I keep thinking, at some point, we trust each other enough, where we don’t take, at least the unconscious statements or actions so personal; that we know we love each other, so it’s okay. And, I think some of that has happened. My wife and I certainly don’t yell at each other the way we used to, my daughter’s all grown up, moved away, so getting to see or speak to each other is special and my son’s a teenager, so that has it’s own thing happening.

Still, in the end, it feels like I’m the one who’s got to get better at being kinder and gentler to myself as well as others. But, I mean that in a different sense than not being mean. I’m talking about getting better at knowing that of course my family and friends love me, so, of course, they don’t mean to hurt my feelings and giving them the benefit of the doubt, rather than get hurt feelings, which brings out behaviors in me that hurt me and those I have hurt feelings.

A deeper sense of understanding, which intellectually is easy for me, but is taking longer than I like to be embodied by the rest of me. Still, in the face of practicing what I’m writing about, I do see my improvement and celebrate that, knowing that I am loved.

I write affirmations and put them to music, or speak about something that makes life worth living; that’s what I do.  My mission is to use my creativity to heal myself and others.

And yet, I cannot call myself healed.  Granted, I’m way more healed than when I was younger, and that’s a good thing.  But, it feels like I still have so far to go.  It’s not like others around me are doing so much better, it’s just that I have gotten enough glimpses of what life could be like, if I stayed centered and clear, so, I know what’s possible, whether others are achieving it or not.

There’s a saying, “ignorance is bliss.”  I don’t know if that’s true or not, I just know that my eyes are open and my heart yearns for what it, on occasion, gets to embrace.

So, I continue my mission, knowing there is no better work I could be doing and praying for more glimpses until that place becomes where I live, not where I visit.

My son told me he wanted to go to the boxing gym with me.  We had gone about 5 years ago, before either of us could get hurt; him because his opponents were as small as he was, me because I wasn’t gonna get in the ring.

I love the workout, even though my wife thinks I’m a little old to be doing this sort of thing, but, here’s the rub:

Now that he drives, our best quality time together, when I gave him rides, is gone.  When he comes up to the house (he mostly stays with his mom, because she lives in town where his friends are and I’m out in the boonies) he likes to veg in his room; not really interact, maybe a few minutes, but that’s it.

I miss him.  I miss all the time we used to spend together.  I know this is how it goes, I even wrote a song about it, Love Is Knowing You.  So, I’m letting go the best I can, AND I miss him.

So, I’m going boxing.  In fact, we went once already and I’m not hurting too bad today.  We go again tomorrow.  Besides taking the boxing class together, we get something to eat, he catches me up on his life AND I’m gonna be in great shape.  What could be bad about that.

So, money is very tight right now.  And, I’ve chosen to follow a path of believing I can create what I want, even when things aren’t looking good; like now.  Our debt is out the whazoo, we might even loose our home.

I’ve applied for lots of jobs that would allow me to work from the road as I travel (I’m a computer programmer), but, where in the past I had more work than I knew what to do with, it’s just dried up.

2 weeks ago I got the highest single payday I’ve ever had for playing music; almost $1,000.  Last week wasn’t bad.  I keep holding a vision of coming out of this on top, keeping the house, playing bigger and bigger gigs, selling lots of CD’s, doing computer work on the side to keep things going.

I believe, baby.  It’s not easy, but folks say follow your bliss and the universe supports you.  I got to believe that’s true.  You folks pray for me out there.

Ernest Holmes said, “To abandon the truth in our hour of need is to not understand the truth.”  I believe that.  Things are tough around here right now.  Short of money, bills closing in.  My wife and I have moments of panic, but nothing like we used to.  We’re pulling together, for the most part, really well; not blaming each other; instead being more cheerleaders for whichever one of us is down.  Repeating over and over, “it’s gonna be alright.”

Believing that, I think, had alot to do with my best gig ever.  Believing in the truth that all are lessons to be learned and, ultimately, works out for our good, I think, helps alot in moving things towards really turning out that way.  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

The knowledge that what we put our attention on persists, helps me focus on the good in the world and in my life, instead of all the bad stuff, which given the shape of the world, and my life at the moment, would be easy to do.  I’m choosing to stay in gratitude and positiveness.  I vote for love expanding in the world by focusing on love.  I believe it’s working.

I just played up at the Unity of Fairfax in Oakton, VA and made more money than I ever did at a gig in my life.  I sold out every CD I brought; close to $1,000!  Man, I am psyched.  A new high.  There ain’t nothing like reaching a new peak, no matter what area of your life it happens in as long as it matters to you, or, in this case, me.  Thank you GOD, thank you GOD, thank you GOD!!!