Walking Across Fire

My dad died 3 years ago and I still miss him regularly.  Our relationship was a rocky one, smoothed out by time and both our efforts.  Twice in my lifetime I told him I would never talk to him again and twice he reached out and asked if we could heal it and twice we did.

He beat me regularly when I was young.  Never in rage, always controlled, explaining my deserving of the beating as he did it.  I never struck him back.  At 16, as he struck me, I told him he was no better than the bullies in the school courtyard and he could beat me bloody, but I would listen to him no more.  He stopped and never hit me again.

My parents divorced when I was 10, so, for the first few years after that I only saw him on Sundays.  I was 12 the first time he hired me to work in his office for the summer.  I did that again at 14.  Moved in with him after his second divorce and worked for him at 18 for a year. 

Spent most of the next 6 years living in California, seeing him only for occassional visits.  When I moved back in my mid-20’s we began the ritual of playing tennis on Sundays, which we kept up semi-regularly for the next 20 years.  We both evolved alot during this time.  By the time grandchildren started showing up, he was not the same man I grew up with.  A kinder, gentler man had arrived.

After I moved to North Carolina, we spoke on the phone every Monday for 9 years.

When we knew he had about 6 months to live, I made trips up to visit every few weeks and stayed for a week at a time, giving space for my 5 siblings to do the same.  Only one other took advantage of this time.

I watched him die in the hospital bed.  I wrote Dad’s Song the next day and performed it at his funeral the day after that.

There are Mondays I still go for the phone.

I want to share dreams with folks.  I share about my dreams in this blog, not just to share about me, but in the hopes of finding others who want to share about themselves.  I believe the more of us who share our dreams, the more of us will achieve our dreams, supporting each other, through mutual caring and encouragement.

So, I put it out there to anyone interested, add your dreams to my blog.  Share with me and the world your hearts desire, so anyone coming across these pages can feed a little energy into what you care about.

Speak to your own trials and tribulations in working towards your dreams, so we can lift up each other and behold our dreams come true.

So, what’s up with putting on a game face.  It’s still being me as that game face is mine.  Is it a façade?  It probably can be, having to do with what’s going on internally at the time.  I always put on my game face when I’m playing a gig and it’s real for me, even on a bad day, because I get so deep into the character of who I am as a musician, that everyone feels it, including me. 

There’s also, the fake it till you make it strategy, which sometimes really works for me.  I put on my game face, get into character and if I can keep it up long enough, sometimes I really do have fun in situations I didn’t think I would and things really do work out.

And that’s the thing: if things work out, I feel good about myself and when I feel good about myself more things work out.  Now there’s a spiral I can get into.

When Kat and I first got together, she didn’t like my game face, considering it fake.  As years passed, she began to realize that it was more than a face; that I really did shift, mostly.  Now, she wants me to put it on whenever I’m feeling down.

Part of me is resistant to that, but, it’s that part that sees it as fake.  Actually, I like myself better when I’ve got my game face on.  I’m so up, exuberant, fun to be around.  It feels good.  Of course Kat wants to be around that.  Me, too.

I don’t know what the answer is to this, I just like looking at it and asking the question.

Some folks say inspiration is what’s needed to create, but, I say we can create inspiration as well.  Take journaling, which is basically what I do when I’m blogging.  By using a stream of consciousness approach, ie., just write whatever pops into my head, and keeping at it, not stopping or allowing myself to be interrupted, I notice that sooner or later I write something that inspires me, which is what I’m after.

If my writings inspire others that’s great, but, first and foremost I write to inspire me, because, by golly, I like being inspired.

I have sat around waiting for inspiration, walked around looking for inspiration, but it wasn’t till today, writing this, that I realized I can create inspiration.  I like that, I like that a lot.  I wouldn’t be surprised if along with this realization, my songwriting prolificness picked up.  I’ll keep you posted about that.

In the shamanic tradition, you are asked a question, “Are you here to feed the people, heal the people, teach or protect the people?”  I think this is a great question.  It reminds us we are not here for ourselves, but to serve others.  That our work is, first, to discover in what capacity we are here to serve and then to do it.

Maybe we’re here for more than one of those, but we are all here to do at least one.  I am here to teach, heal and feed.  I do this first, through how I live my day to day life, then through how I share it, either in song or journaling or talks or just one on one conversation.

I was taking a walk this morning in downtown Roanoke, VA and at some point needed to use a bathroom.  At that moment, I approached a Synagogue.  Having been born Jewish and Bar Mitzvahed, I had not been in a Synagogue for over 20 years, spending most of my worship time in churches or the Native American sweat lodge. But, I needed a bathroom, it was Saturday, they were open, I went in. 

After using the facilities, I went into the service.  I don’t know what drew mw to do so, but, I like following that inner voice, so, in I went.  It wasn’t very different from how I remembered it.  I could even sing along on a few of the songs.  Afterwards, a member asked me to stay for food, which I did. 

While sitting with this member, he shared with me some of his life.  He had discontent with his work.  I pointed out the question above, which, as he answered, he could see how his work was happening in his chosen profession.  I got to experience my work by sharing with him the question.

It’s becoming clearer and clearer to me that life is about the qualities we value and how we apply them in all situations we come in contact with, rather than what life looks like.  What it feels like is way more important.  I would have never thought I could have that kind of connection in a Synagogue, or that doing my work could occur there.  I’m very glad I didn’t get in my way of letting that happen.

Of the last 5 gigs I’ve played, all have done better, financially and otherwise, than I expected.  That’s a good thing.  It demonstrates that my abundance consciousness is moving in the right direction.

This trend began after I stopped feeling sorry for myself and how poor I was doing and began, once again, the practice of affirming my abundance and reminding myself, regularly, throughout the day that I am a powerful, creative, spiritual being who can create anything I want this life. 

I have thoughts that say, “I’m just riding a wave at the moment and it will end.”  Maybe there’s some truth to that, but through my practice of saying, “No, I am not just riding a wave.  I am creating abundance, which, as a powerful, creative, spiritual being, is mine to do,” I know that I create far beyond any wave I might be currently riding.

I find that when things start going really well for me, I lax off on my practice.  After a while, my demonstrations fall off and, instead of picking my practice right back up, I go through a period of feeling sorry for myself.  Then, I finally remember that my spiritual practice is what got me the results in the first place.

I then struggle to not beat myself up for stopping, finally win that battle and life gets better, demonstrations begin again.

This particular cycle is one I definitely want to stop, so, I’ve added to my practice the affirmation that I am disciplined and continue my spiritual practice no matter what demonstrations I am having.

It’s amazing what a little shift will do.  Since the last fight I wrote about, Kat and I have been getting along wonderfully; out of and under the covers.  We did yoga together this morning.  That felt great, too.

My son tells me the other day he has trouble sharing his feelings with his friends when he’s upset.  He withdraws; just like his old man.  I tell him that’s what I do, too and how it hasn’t helped my relationships at all.

We talk about the importance of telling folks when you’re upset and what you’re upset about, but doing it in a way that doesn’t blast anybody.  I mention how I’m working on doing that to improve my relationships.  He’s so good at taking in feedback, the next day he talks to friend he was upset at.  She says she was upset at him, because she could tell he was upset, but wouldn’t talk about it.  They make a pact to communicate better with each other.  I am so proud of him.

I stayed with my buddy and his wife in Florida for the weekend.  My gig down there Sunday was the second highest moneymaker I’ve had this year.  A fantastic reception.  Called for an encore.  This guy has been coming to my gigs since I was 18.  He said it was the best he’s ever seen me.  Said I just keep getting better and better.  Boy, I like hearing that.

He is just about the nicest person I’ve ever met, so, there is that, but, he’s also been very honest when he doesn’t like something I’m doing musically or otherwise.  He and his wife have given me the keys to their home, so, I can come and go as I need to whether they’re there or not.  They invite me to join in on what ever they’re doing when I’m passing through.  We have a flow and ease with each other that I just haven’t experienced with very many folks at all.  I love this guy! 

I don’t think you get to have a lot of relationships as deep and fulfilling with a friend as I have with my Florida buddy.  I feel very blessed to have him in my life.

Kat (my wife) and I fought this morning.  A terrible way to start the day.  The fight really began last night, but Kat didn’t know it.

I thought we had agreed to do a yoga class together.  I was very excited about sharing this twice a week experience with her.  Because of my excitement, either Kat wasn’t clear or I wasn’t listening, that she had some reservations around the class being too difficult.  She still wanted to try it, but didn’t share my enthusiasm.

Because of this miscommunication, when her friend said she needed to meet with Kat when our Yoga class was supposed to meet and Kat readily agreed, I was devastated, thinking she held our time together as unimportant.  My up-to-now way of dealing with devastation is to withdraw, which I did, at bedtime, and fell directly asleep.

Sometimes, I wake up having let go of the upset.  That was not the case this morning.  I let her know, angrily, how upset I was about her bailing on the class, when we’d been looking for something to share like that.  That’s when she shared, angrily, that she really wasn’t that excited about the class, but, that I was so pushy about her doing it, she didn’t know how to talk with me about it.

My first reaction was an even deeper upset, because I thought we found something we both liked and could do together right off the bat, rather than work at it.  My second reaction was to understand that her friend needing her gave her an out she thought she needed.  I settled down, realizing we both needed to relax. 

Kat was still pretty upset.  Somehow, I had shifted.  I really can’t tell you how I did it, except to say, I pray for that ability to shift like that almost every day.  One day, I’ll be able to do it even before I shut down.  I look forward to that.

Anyway, I asked her if she wanted to relax, she said yes, I asked her to lay down and close her eyes, which she did, and guided us both through a relaxation meditation.  We came out of it smiling at each other and in much better moods.  Now that’s the way to start a day!

We talked out our differences, kissed, made up and Kat left for work.  A very busy morning.  We clearly have our issues, but we love each other, want our relationship to work and keep developing more and more tools to help us grow deeper and deeper with each other.  I am grateful for that. 

I am joining a men’s circle.  There’s 6 of us.  We’re keeping it small, so each man can have 20 minutes to focus the attention on what’s important to him and we’re not meeting all day.

I have facilitated men’s circles, but this time I just wanted to be a part of one.  In fact, any of the guys involved could facilitate this circle, so, sharing that responsibility will be wonderful.  We have our first meeting this Wednesday.  I’m actually very excited about it.  I love receiving and giving this kind of support.  What a gift that there are 5 others who want to do this as well.  I love the level of intimacy achieved in circles like this.

Also, about gifts, my wife said be more generous on my holiday pricing and I find it best to listen to her.  So, check out the NEW holiday pricing on CD’s here: http://cliffrubinmusic.com/specialgifts.  Besides filled with fantastic songs, these CD’s are a great way to support someone you care about in their spiritual growth.  What we feed ourselves and each other makes all the difference. 

Doc says my blood pressure is a touch up.  Started taking yoga classes 2 days a week, to the gym another 2.  Dropped my sodium to almost none.  Upped meditation to twice a day.  It’s funny, lots of folks think I’m a pretty laid back dude.

I eat pretty well, sleep pretty well.  I thought my health was fine.  I guess this whole music career thing got to me more than I realized.  I mean, I knew I was uptight about it some, just didn’t realize enough to raise my blood pressure.  I need to relax, Man!

I’m shifting my focus for next year.  This year it was get 100 gigs, which I did.  I traveled to over 12 states and had a blast, but not always getting the sales I had hoped for.  As it was fun, it was also stressful.

This year I’m gonna go back to having a day job.  I can do computer programming from anywhere and it pays very well.  Probably shouldn’t have stopped, but, I so want to be a full time singer-songwriter, which, is still my goal.  It looks to me that approaching that goal a little slower might be healthier for me.  At least that’s the plan at this point.

Here’s what I learned about myself at this years’ family Thanksgiving gathering.  I still have work to do with jealousy and envy.  On leaving our annual Thanksgiving event, my wife said to me, “We’re the poorest ones here.”

Obviously, besides monetarily, that’s not true.  Kat and I live very rich lives.  But, I noticed the times folks talked about their good fortune and I felt bummed about my own situation instead of happy for them.  Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy my family sibs and cus’s are doing well.  I just also feel the place where my wife and I are “working with opportunities” at the present time.

Here’s what came to me about it, when I’m jealous or envious I am forgetting their good fortune is spiritual food to nourish me towards my success.  My jealousy and envy poisons the very food I could be feeding myself with.  So, I stopped, drank in their success and am presently allowing it to build strong dreams 12 ways (a take off on a very old “Wonder Bread” TV commercial).  I am much healthier for it.

I know I’ve heard that before, it was nice to recognize it for myself and remember that joy feeds joy and joy is a huge component of success.  And, I like being joyous; it’s more fun.

I have basically 2 mantras that drive my day-to-day, moment-to-moment experience.  They are: “What I Embody Manifests” and “Live a Life Worth Living”.  So, whenever I reflect on how I’m doing, which is almost once a day, I put it up against these 2 mantras.

The first, “What I Embody Manifests”, I believe to be the core of Christ’s teaching.  Embody love, I will manifest love in my life, embody peace, my life will be peaceful, embody joy, my life will be joyous.  He embodied all these principles and more, including kindness, connectedness and healing.

For myself, I have a lot of love in my life, quite a bit of joy, a good bit of kindness, connectedness and I’m most proud of my healing; that which I offer to others as well as myself.  I am the healthiest I have ever been in my life.  I could work on peace.  I want to be kinder.  I still deal with depression on occasion; way less than I ever have.  I want to develop my sense of abundance and freedom.  I still beat myself up on occasion; though, once again, less than ever.

By standing up and taking action in what I believe in, specifically the music I’ve created, I lead a life worth living.  More than that, I have remembered my key priority of loving my wife and kids, instead of being right, when it’s mattered most.  Not always immediately, but I come around way quicker than I used to. I am very grateful for that.  I am very proud for how I stand, in this moment, at the fire, taking the heat and moving forward.

To be honest, it’s been stressful at our house.  Embarking on a new career with so many unknowns has put pressure on my family and myself, some expected, some unexpected.  My learning curve has been steep.  But, I know the work I’m doing is important and given how my life has flourished since taking on the teachings of a God within and having that power to affect change in my life, I know that all I’m going through now is just my way of continuing my healing, my learning and growing and my life will continue to flourish.

What I hold for each and every one of you is that, you, too, Live A Life Worth Living.

I played at Riverbend Church in Austin, TX this Sunday and it was AWESOME!!  Everything there is huge, the church, the stage, the band, the sound, the screen, backstage, the message; it was all wonderful to be a part of.  And the best part: I wasn’t nervous at all.  I felt like I belonged there.

When I first arrived the band, which consists of more players and singers than I can count, were practicing another number.  I was met backstage by the stage manager, who had a stage hand bring me a wireless set up for my guitar.  They placed a wireless mike in the center of a stage that was bigger than the first floor of my house. 

When it was my turn, they listened to my song, “Divine Guidance”, once, Carlton, the music director, counted off and we played through it like they’ve been playing and singing it as long as I have.  The lyrics popped up on six different screens around the church, including one pointing back at me and one that was at least 2 stories tall and wide behind the band.  Exhilarating is an understatement, but also doesn’t come close to when we performed during the service.

The energy soared 10-fold. 1,300 folks leaped to their feet.  I was awestruck by my performance, the band and the audience reaction.  Certainly what one might call a peak experience.

My brother and his family, who were integral in setting up this date for me, said it was rare to see a standing O happen with that level of energy there.  Man, oh, man.  A guy could get spoiled playing gigs like that.

I’m writing today to cheer myself up.  I’ve had a hard couple of days.  Been on the phone a lot working on booking for next year.  Going slowly.  Working on a couple of new songs.  Going slowly.  Had a bunch of rejections.  Comes with the territory. 

Okay this isn’t the part where I cheer myself up. It’s the part where I state why I need cheering.  My wife’s been sick for over a month.  Our finances are extremely tight and we may have to sell our house.  My wife’s business is having some difficulties as well.

Okay, here comes the cheering up part.  It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood.  Besides the usual assortment of birds, we’ve got blue jays.  The cardinals are back.  There were at least 6 different species of birds at the feeder right outside our bedroom window this morning.

My son got a flat tire yesterday.  The same tire that went flat the day before, when he took it to a local place that charged him $15 to fix it.  He used the compressor in his car to fill it enough to take it to a different place, they fixed it, said the plug was leaking, wrote that on the receipt, he took the receipt to the first place and they gave him a full refund.  He was very proud of himself.  I am proud of him, too.  16 and learning his way in the world.

Got a call from a friend I hadn’t heard from in a while.  Just called to say hey and we set up a dinner date with him and his wife.  Kat and I like those guys and look forward to seeing them.

Getting better and better at relaxing myself to fall back to sleep when I wake up at night.  Twice last night I awoke and both times the technique I used put me right back to sleep.

My email program is finally sending an important email I’ve been trying to send for the past hour.  YAY!

I’m getting along with the folks I love and I have some exciting gigs coming up.  Life is good.  Man, stating gratitudes really does help.

My cousin called me to ask for help.  She’s moving into a new apartment, wasn’t going to be in town when her furniture arrived and asked me to meet the movers.  She said they’ll be there by 10AM tomorrow and it’ll only take a few hours.

I had a lot of work to get done, but, I wanted to help her, so I said yes.  The following morning, as I’m getting ready to leave, I get a call from the movers saying they’ll be ½ hour late.  As I’m running a few errands, I get another call from the movers saying they’re a little lost, so it’s now going to be an hour.  An hour later I get another call saying they’re lost.  I give them directions as I discover they are actually an hour and a half away.  By this time at the apartment.  I also discover that the battery on my cell phone is running low and I don’t have my charger with me.

I live a little over ½ hour from the apartment, so, running home and back seems silly.  I have no more errands to run, so I take a walk around the neighborhood.  I return about an hour later, get another call from the movers saying they got lost again, I once again, give them directions and learn they are still an hour away.  I sit down and meditate.  They finally arrive at 12:30PM.

The driver states it will take a little over an hour to unload and set up everything in the house.  We finished at 6:30PM.  The driver was right, it took a little over an hour, in the scope of a week, month, year or millennium.

Now, here’s the thing.  I am very well aware these type of favors can go this way and yet did not prepare properly.  If I had brought my charger, my guitar, my lyric book and a few other choice items, I could have been a happy camper, so, I really have no one else but me to blame for any misery I experienced.  I was a boy scout (yes, truly, I was), I know how to be prepared and yet I didn’t.  Another learning opportunity.   I’ll bet dimes to donuts I’m better prepared the next time I’m asked for one of these types of favors.

In case you’re wondering, these type of favors is anytime someone asks to use your time for something that must get done in a single day where how long it takes is not in the hands of the person asking the favor, so, when they tell you how long it will take, they really don’t know.  I don’t mind helping, I just like being clear with myself what’s really going on and being prepared for that.

My wife and I had dinner at a friend’s house Halloween.  Another couple we like to hang out with was there as well.  We’ve gotten together, the 6 of us, every few months for a couple of years now and we’re getting very comfortable with each other, which makes for deep and interesting conversation.

We spoke in depth about the differences between Eastern and Western Philosophy and disagreed a lot; also, agreed a lot, never heated, always fun.  We ate soy cheese pizza and an organic chocolate cake to die for.  The folks who hosted this gathering had turned their wood fireplace into a gas one and with a remote heated up the room wonderfully.  Very cool.  I’m sticking with wood, but, I still thought it was very cool.

I’ve never been a very social animal.  Mostly, I like to hermit.  I travel so much, interact with folks regularly, I like my down time.  I’m also very grateful to have these friends and look forward to our time together.

Kat and I host the next get together.  I’m cooking salmon, one of the few things I cook well.  They laugh at me about that, but I don’t care.  I really like salmon, and so do they.

Whether folks buy or not, I could not imagine a life where I didn’t do what meant most to me.  We’re here for such a short time and I want to be the type of person who lived life to his fullest.  Became the person I dream to be.  Filled each day with those things I value most: love, mastery, art, beauty, health, relaxation.

It’s amazing how many opportunities there are during the day to love myself.  Almost moment to moment I am voting on loving myself or not, then loving myself or judging myself for the previous moment.

I did the lesson Sunday at Unity of Indy.  I basically tell the story of my life as it relates to different skills I have practiced along the way.  Skills like my guitar playing, my singing, writing, relationship skills, accepting and giving criticism skills and on and on.  Afterwards, because I have delved into my past on stage, I tend to dwell and not always on the good stuff.

My tendency is to dwell on those things I did that I consider wrong; where I have transgressed or wronged another- a great opportunity to love myself.  So, I remind myself I did the best I could, it’s okay the past is gone and what’s important is how I behave and feel in this moment.  And I do this over and over and over.  I usually have quite a bit of time as I’m usually driving home from wherever I have just played, spoke or both, as in this Sunday.

We stopped for something to eat on the way home (my son drove me to and from the gig).  I got barbeque, which could be construed as loving myself because I love the taste, or could be construed as not loving myself because my blood pressure is a little high and that stuff is not good for my health.  I was hungry, scarfed it down and then felt guilty for doing so, which is definitely not loving myself.

The clarity of the guilt was easier to see and deal with, so, with each moment I felt and heard myself express guilt, I released it and reminded myself what a mindful healthy guy I was and that I was treating myself healthier all the time, while still allowing for treats once in a while.  It took almost an hour of this exercise for the guilt to subside and my loving myself to win out.  Practice, practice.

A few years ago I started the practice of telling myself in the mirror each morning “I love you.”  I think it’s made quite a difference, in not only how I treat myself, but others.  There was a time I really hated myself, and everyone else.  An hour of guilt feels like quite the improvement to me.  Practice, practice.

I was asked what I meant by us not being in charge.

I’m saying our ego self thinks it’s in charge, but that we have a higher self that holds us to a bigger picture that sometimes our ego self doesn’t understand.

I am so grateful for all the responses I have gotten!  We are quite a community of powerful, spiritual beings, with powerful, creative insights.

One person reminded me that disappointment comes from thinking we’re in charge rather than God, spirit, our higher selves, or whatever we call it.  Something larger than ourselves and yet is also us, working for our good and the good of all others has the reins.

Rev. Ken Williamson of Unity of the Palm Beaches said (I’m paraphrasing) that part of our spiritual work is to KNOW that everything in our lives is perfect even when we don’t understand it.  I believe the better we get at this skill, the better we get at service, the better we get at relaxing and enjoying our day no matter what it looks like.

I appreciate you all taking the time to write to me.  We walk this path together.  Together- makes it a much nicer journey.

Blessings to you all!